Coward

I'm treading on dangerous territory here, talking about work, but I'm pretty sure I don't have readers from my professional life. Famous last words, huh?

I put out a newsletter every two months as part of my job, and today, the newsletters were back from the printers and we needed folks to put on address labels, do inserts and mail the little boogers. Usually, we have a handful of volunteers we know and trust and they come over to my building and they have a grand old time. Usually, I buy them ice cream. That's the vibe.

Today, our volunteer coordinator sends over some folks from the local welfare office - not the usual group. There were three of them, and one of them in particular was a bit gamy. OK, there's no way around it, he stunk up the office. It was not pleasant, and all three were smokers, which we're not used to in the office. The effect was to turn our neutral smelling building into something along the lines of a truck stop bathroom.

My reaction to this was almost nothing - my philosophy is volunteers are a gift and you never look horse in the mouth. God bless them for their service to my newsletter. Others in the office didn't feel that way, and here's where my day started to go down the drain.

One person came to my office and went on and on about the smell. There's no getting around the fact it was noticeable and unpleasant, but she made a pretty big deal out of it. The attitude wasn't one of "grin and bear it," but "can you believe this person? How dare they stink in my office." I smiled and tried to resolve the issue as best I could. I should go into a bit more background and say this person who came to complain to me is someone who doesn't think much of me, and the more I get on her good side, the smoother the road for about 100 different tasks. I like this person, and I've made inroads recently.

So I smile and I nod and I try to resolve the situation. Then I smell something sweet and strong. As this group of three went out for a smoke break, this person had sprayed an obscene amount of Grapefruit air freshener in the building and moved the offensive threesome to a different room in the back. Then other volunteers proceeded to complain about the three welfare volunteers in a pretty nasty fashion. I can't stress enough, it wasn't "my he smells," but "What the hell is with that loser? There's a reason he's on welfare if he can't figure out a shower. What's wrong with people like him? God, I'd cross the street to avoid that guy." And on and on and on.

That's the set up. Here's the problem: I did nothing. Not a damn thing.

I should have told them to knock off the teasing - they're volunteers and we're representing an organization. I should have told them these people are trying to do something for us, the least we can do is be as accommodating as possible. I should have embraced these three volunteers and bought them ice cream, even if they smelled like the inside of an abattoir, instead of having a few passing conversations of no real substance. I should have, at the very least, set an example by not nodding and smiling like I agreed with the degradation going on in the office. I should have represented my organization with forcefulness.

But I didn't. I smiled and nodded, not explicitly joining their reindeer games, but not condemning them either. What a fucking coward I am. The worst part, the absolute worst part, is in my head there was a part screaming at the rest of me to take a stand. I don't know what part of my brain won out. It must have been the part that doesn't like conflict or that part that's a complete and total spineless pussy.

These three people might not have been mental giants, but I would imagine they picked up on the vibe and felt the condemnation, even if it wasn't explicit. These are people down on their luck anyway and even if you throw the worst conservative talking points at them (they're a drain on the system, they're getting a free ride, they're lazy), they're still human beings that deserve an amount of respect. They at least deserve a relatively pain free experience while volunteering their time. When I was younger, and even today in extremely limited circumstances, I am that person receiving the scorn and I know how much it sucks and the kind of animosity it fosters. I know that and I didn't take a stand. I know the feeling of trying to impress but being intimidated, and I didn't take a stand. I know how much bravery it took to walk in our door in the first place and do a job you've never done before for people you've never met before who verbally spit on you and degrade you, and I still didn't take a stand.

I feel like a pile of shit right now and I should. If I didn't take this stand, what else am I not going to stand up for? What else are my kids not going to stand up for? Why do I deserve anyone to stand up for me? And most importantly, what happens the next time I need to do the right thing? Am I going to pussy out again?

People talk a lot of BS about character, but today, at the end of the day (literally), this is my character...smile and nod.

Smile and nod.